about laura
In order for me to demonstrate the process of how I have come to love myself whole, first let me break down the pieces of me.
The Child
Raised in the North East of Fife, Scotland, my childhood was simple and full of outdoor adventure. Before the days of internet, watch on demand and I-pads, I lived comfortably in my world of dolls, roller skates and dance performances in my bedroom to the latest pop sensation boy band. All was well within my world, and for the most part, I felt safe.
As I grew older, I became more aware that those around me did not necessarily perceive the world in the same way I did, and this was a challenging concept to grasp. I could see and sense spirit presences and auras around most people, whether it be day or night, strangers or accomplices, and not knowing any differently, I assumed that everyone could. Time went on, and I became aware that no one discussed or acknowledged what was hidden in plain sight behind the veil, and assumed that it meant there was something wrong with me. So I tucked my truth away inside a little box of secrets in my heart and wished it would go disappear. I didn't want to see things or know things if it wasn't normal, I just wanted to be like everyone else.
Then as a teen, when fitting in was the only thing in the world that mattered (other than boys!) the box could not be contained any more After the death of my paternal Grandfather, Bruce, the bridge to the unseen flew open and I was exposed to the most incredible examples of clairvoyance, clairsentience, claireaudience and claircognisence (all the clairs!) I could no longer hide from myself and it became verly clearly my soul's purpose to journey with these gifts and learn how to understand and manage them.
From age 16, I began to sit in a psychic development circle, where I accessed tools to understanding the spirit world, and to do it safely. Ever since I have been led down a path of breadcrumbs into a journey of awakening through spiritual process, and developing these natural abilities to help others do the same.
The Mother
From a young age, the only thing I knew for certain is that I longed to be a mother. I watched my friends evolve on to establishing great careers after high school, so focused and driven, whilst I flitted and floated from job to job, biding my time until I was ready to start a family.
Lucky for me, I fell head over heels in luuuurve at just 16, to a man who would become the father of my three children. Other than my dedication to learning and serving the spirit world, (which notably caused a few hiccups and triggered a few fears in the beginning), our relationship was fairly typical. We moved in together after two years, and purchased our first home and became engaged after six years. We married a year later and conceived our first son within a month of marriage!
Pregnancy was easy. His birth was slow and steady, and he was born in water, as I had hoped. I was twenty three.
Well, I was in motherhood bliss! This kid was the new love of my life and he was perfect. Reaching milestones, eating well, sleeping eight hours a night. There was a niggling part of me that struggled to adjust though. I was one of the first in my group of friends to become a mother, and as my identity slipped underneath the needs of my baby, so too did my friends appear to slip away, and it could feel very lonely at times.
Just eight months after our first born, we conceived our daughter. Let me tell you, being pregnant with an eight month old is hard going. I was exhausted and their Dad worked on a 1:1 week roster in an isolated mining town. My body and mind were under a lot of stress and I developed a pregnancy rash from my neck to my thighs. The itchiest reddest hives you have ever seen! Three long weeks of tears and sleepless nights, and eventually the rash disappeared. Then...the hip pain started! For the final four weeks of carrying her, I crawled on the floor, unable to bear any weight. The pain was constant and it began to assume control all of my thoughts. My mind got to really dark place, having to hold so much pain.
Forty weeks and one day, as we were preparing for Father's Day dinner, my waters broke and I gratefully made my way back to the birthing centre where six hours later, I laughed my little girl out into the water.
I didn't laugh much for about six months after that. My body had been holding physical pain for such a long time that, coupled with the sleep deprivation and other newborn demands, I struggled to cope.
It became so extreme in my mind, that there was barely time to breathe between panic attacks. The mum guilt was overwhelming. My husband at the time, left his job and we sold our five acre property and moved in with my parents for a while.
With a now three year old and eighteen month old, we had navigated the rocky waters. I was a functioning human being again, and the kids father returned to mining work. We decided to go for round three (I know right?)
This third and final pregnancy was both destructive and so wonderfully healing. From eight weeks, my hips started to play up, and I spent the best part of seven months strapped up, wheeling on a computer chair or maneuvering crutches with two toddlers. I thought the previous two years had been the most challenging of my life...nope! And so I journeyed back into the depths of the rabbit hole. Except this time, I knew my own darkness, I was not afraid. In constant, desperate pain yes, but not afraid.
I held my power and finally, my third baby was born in water at home. The most magical, nurturing birthing experience I could have ever have hope for. It was like reliving all of my babies births all at once, bringing forward with me the wisdom from the previous experiences, to feel completely at home within the capabilities of my body. Looking into that newborns eyes, I experienced all three births simultaneously. I am not sure there are words to describe the love and gratitude of this moment.
With three very different beings to care for, I am still learning patience and how to juggle and prioritise in order to meet everyone's needs and for them to feel safe and loved. I navigate three full time jobs, before adding self care, maintaining a home and actual paid work into the mix. The lessons are rich and abundant, and with each one that comes to pass, I have more patience to stop and breathe and allow life to unfold without attachment to outcome. By just trying to understand and being as loving as possible. There are still plenty of days where I am just glad everyone is alive, as my eyes leak all over the piles of washing and wasted food and I question every single decision I made that day. But that is also what I feel is authentically beautiful about parenting.
The Woman and the Intention
The past five years in particular, have been the most dynamic. Pregnancy, early parenthood and most recently, divorce has pushed and squeezed me beyond all preconceived notions of my own limitations.
I worked tirelessly, into the wee hours, writing, learning, processing and releasing. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, but often in a state of mediation and reflection, using the tools I had been shown to connect with my essence and the spirit world.
My experiences over a relatively short lifetime, feels similar to cramming before an exam, reaching a point of exponential unraveling in the past five years. I have felt extremes of physical, emotional and mental pain, and grief and loss over a scattered variety of experiences.
The greatest challenge is how to navigate each lesson, whilst maintaining a gentle and vulnerable heart that is open to giving and receiving unconditional love in all moments.
All of this has been processed and documented in some way, through channeling, reflection, or creative release.
Each archetype as it raises its head, and each demon that has dragged me down into my own depths, has been a gift. A gift of how one can heal old wounds and maintain a clean and clear emotional pool, to be able to manifest an earthly life that reflects our true nature as long human beings.
It is my intention that by sharing my own personal understanding of the mystery, that you too will be inspired to understand your own piece of the puzzle.